"To know how to begin to write is a great art," says author and editor Jacques Barzun. "Convince yourself that you are working in clay, not marble; on paper, not eternal bronze; let the first sentence be as stupid as it wishes...just put it down and then another...."
Make no mistake, the history you are writing will be a document of record. It will probably remain in your family a long time. For this reason, it is important that you include a reasonable number of specific and accurate facts. However, this does not mean it needs to be choked with statistics and data. The hard facts such as full names, dates, places, ages, and relationships should be woven into your writing gradually as you go along. This makes for easier reading.
If your intent is to inform, you need to include the who, what, when, where, why, and how of the story. If your intent is to illuminate and entertain, you will take more time to dig into the background of the story, you will include vivid descriptions, moving narration, and interesting anecdotes. Hopefully, your objective will be to inform, enlighten, and entertain your family as you narrate the high points of your life.
At some point you may want to ask yourself, "Why am I writing my personal history?" "Who is (or will be) my audience?" "What do I want accomplish by sharing my insights, feelings, and the events of my life?"
Will others "learn through your mistakes?" Will you share enough of your personality through your writing so your readers feel like they know you better after reading your story? Get your feelings into it. Your inner reaction to what has happened to you and how you perceive a situation can help to give your history more warmth, depth, and meaning. Many of us, because of the times in which we were raised, deny our feelings. We find it difficult to reveal our inner thoughts, to express our emotions, beliefs, and attitudes.
Our history, written from the vantage point of a lifetime of experience, provides us with an ideal opportunity to express how we feel about life, love, and our loved ones. It provides us with a chance to say some of the things we have always wanted to say but never have. Here we can express our gratitude to those who gave us a boost along the way. Here, when opportunity presents itself, we can reveal our convictions regarding the world we live in, marriage, religion, health, death, relatives, friends, and life’s values. Trust your feelings – they are usually right. Allowing them to be reflected in your history will add another dimension to it.
The more you reveal of yourself the more readily your reader can identify with you. Constant sweetness in your history may cause the reader to wonder if you lived in the real world. Reality is showing the warts as well as the dimples. Should you include the tears as well as the laughter? Absolutely! Do you want your story to be interesting and readable? Then let it honestly reflect life as you lived and observed it.
When you come to parts of your life that were difficult or challenging, you need to decide whether or not to include them in your history. Letting others see how you dealt with a problem or overcame a challenge can be a great blessing in their lives as they deal with similar circumstances. You might ask yourself questions like these: "How significant is this event in my life when I compare it to all the others?" "Has it changed the course of my life?" "Do I tend to exaggerate its importance?" "Is it something my family should really know about in order to understand me better?" "Is there some point I want to make here that could be a valuable lesson for my descendants?" You, and only you, can decide what is appropriate to include in your history.
In advocating that you let your hair down, I am not referring to very personal, traumatic moments or circumstances in your life that you cannot (and should not) bring forth. I am simply suggesting that you allow your reader to see you during those moments of give-and-take as you struggled through your life. I do not urge you to write anything that would hurt or embarrass others. There is no need to include material that might provoke family quarrels. Nor is it necessary to name names or be gory in our descriptions. I believe it is possible to describe some of the most heartbreaking moments in life with balanced, tactful writing. Remember, you can use delicate language about an indelicate subject.
Many times in writing about our lives we come to an emotional episode that tends to block us, or an experience that is too painful to deal with (yet). Maybe you just need to skip it and go on. Gradually you may come back and be able to write about the experience and your feelings, how you reacted, and the consequences. And remember this....just because you wrote it doesn’t mean you have to include it in your final history. Sometimes the actual writing of that experience is all you need to get beyond the experience. You may end up including a brief synopsis of the event in your history, or maybe you’ll feel it appropriate to include the entire thing you wrote – it is totally up to you as this is your story!
The process of looking back on one’s life and committing it to paper can bring you new insights, a rediscovery of yourself, and maybe a different perspective of your life. The simple act of writing about our lives provides us an opportunity to "take stock of our lives," to better understand ourselves, and to discern more clearly what our life has really meant.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Courtship & Marriage
Describe how you met your spouse. Why were you first attracted to each other? Was it "love at first sight?" Why do you think you fell in love? What were you both doing at that time in your lives? Describe your courtship. Tell of some of the dates and memorable experiences you had together. How long was your courtship? How did you decide he/she was the "right one" for you?
How did you propose? (Or were you proposed to?) Describe your feelings as you proposed/accepted proposal. How long was your engagement? What do you remember about the steps that led to marriage? Did you have any doubts or "second thoughts" – if so, share them.
Did your family like your intended spouse? What was the reaction of your parents when you told them you were getting married? How did your brothers and sisters react? Your other relatives?
Can you vividly recall your wedding day? When and where did it take place? What do your remember about the preparations for your wedding day. Describe your feelings. Who attended? Were you nervous? Did all the arrangements go smoothly? (Sometimes the things that went wrong are the most memorable – don’t forget to include them!)
Tell about your wedding ceremony – where it was, who took part in it, and what you remember feeling. What especially stands out in your memory?
Describe your partner at the time of your marriage (include physical, spiritual, emotional, etc.) What characteristics did he/she have that were to play an important part in your marriage?
Describe your goals as a couple and what you envisioned for your future at that point in time.
Did you have a honeymoon? Who made the plans and where did you go? How long were you gone? Share some of the memorable events of your honeymoon.
What surprises did you encounter in marriage? What is one of the first things you learned about your spouse that you hadn’t known?
As you began your marriage, what were the major challenges of starting your life together?
Where did you first live and how did you pay for your expenses? Describe setting up housekeeping in your first home together. Did you rent an apartment? buy a house? live with relatives?
What would a typical day have been like in the first year of your marriage?
When you married, how did you see your role in the relationship? How has your idea of that role changed through the years?
What were some of the adjustments you made? What were some of the most difficult issues to deal with in the early years of marriage?
Recall some of the best times from your early years together. How would you describe your early marriage years?
How did you feel about your in-laws? Give some examples to illustrate how you think they felt about you. Which differences between the two families added to your happiness and which were difficult?
If You Divorced...
What did you think or feel about divorce when you first married? Tell what you feel were the patterns of behavior that contributed to the divorce. What part do you think you played in coming to the point of divorce? What would you have done differently? Tell about making the final decision and what the particular turning point was. What agreements did you make, legal and otherwise. How did your family react? What emotional support did you get from your family? If you had children at the time, how were you seeing the effects of divorce on their lives? How did you help your children handle the divorce and the changes it brought? Recall a time when your children tried to help you during this time. How did your family react? How were your friends a help? How did your financial status change after divorce? What was that like? How was your experience different from what you thought it would be? What was most difficult for you after the divorce? How was your life better? How have your feelings and attitudes changed toward your ex-spouse since the divorce? Since your divorce, what have you learned that would have made a difference in your marriage relationship? What was most helpful to your recovery from divorce? What did you learn about yourself during this time? How have you changed?
If Your Partner Died...
How old were you when you became a widow or widower? As you write this, how long has it been since then? How long had you been together? Tell the circumstances of the death. What do you remember of that immediate time? What do you remember thinking and feeling? What specifically helped you get through the first weeks? How did your family members handle this loss? How did your beliefs affect how you coped? What resources did you have for bearing your loss? Which feelings took you by surprise? What would you have liked others to have done at this time? What could you have done for yourself that would have made it more bearable? What offers of help do wish you had accepted? What were some of the unexpected acts or words that you appreciated? What advice helped you? What advice would you give someone during the first few months following a partner’s death? As life "appeared" to get back to normal, what was the hardest part? Tell about the stages of grieving as you experienced them. These days, when are the times you are filed with a sense of your partner? Which are the times you like to recall? What have you discovered about yourself through this journey? How have you changed?
How did you propose? (Or were you proposed to?) Describe your feelings as you proposed/accepted proposal. How long was your engagement? What do you remember about the steps that led to marriage? Did you have any doubts or "second thoughts" – if so, share them.
Did your family like your intended spouse? What was the reaction of your parents when you told them you were getting married? How did your brothers and sisters react? Your other relatives?
Can you vividly recall your wedding day? When and where did it take place? What do your remember about the preparations for your wedding day. Describe your feelings. Who attended? Were you nervous? Did all the arrangements go smoothly? (Sometimes the things that went wrong are the most memorable – don’t forget to include them!)
Tell about your wedding ceremony – where it was, who took part in it, and what you remember feeling. What especially stands out in your memory?
Describe your partner at the time of your marriage (include physical, spiritual, emotional, etc.) What characteristics did he/she have that were to play an important part in your marriage?
Describe your goals as a couple and what you envisioned for your future at that point in time.
Did you have a honeymoon? Who made the plans and where did you go? How long were you gone? Share some of the memorable events of your honeymoon.
What surprises did you encounter in marriage? What is one of the first things you learned about your spouse that you hadn’t known?
As you began your marriage, what were the major challenges of starting your life together?
Where did you first live and how did you pay for your expenses? Describe setting up housekeeping in your first home together. Did you rent an apartment? buy a house? live with relatives?
What would a typical day have been like in the first year of your marriage?
When you married, how did you see your role in the relationship? How has your idea of that role changed through the years?
What were some of the adjustments you made? What were some of the most difficult issues to deal with in the early years of marriage?
Recall some of the best times from your early years together. How would you describe your early marriage years?
How did you feel about your in-laws? Give some examples to illustrate how you think they felt about you. Which differences between the two families added to your happiness and which were difficult?
If You Divorced...
What did you think or feel about divorce when you first married? Tell what you feel were the patterns of behavior that contributed to the divorce. What part do you think you played in coming to the point of divorce? What would you have done differently? Tell about making the final decision and what the particular turning point was. What agreements did you make, legal and otherwise. How did your family react? What emotional support did you get from your family? If you had children at the time, how were you seeing the effects of divorce on their lives? How did you help your children handle the divorce and the changes it brought? Recall a time when your children tried to help you during this time. How did your family react? How were your friends a help? How did your financial status change after divorce? What was that like? How was your experience different from what you thought it would be? What was most difficult for you after the divorce? How was your life better? How have your feelings and attitudes changed toward your ex-spouse since the divorce? Since your divorce, what have you learned that would have made a difference in your marriage relationship? What was most helpful to your recovery from divorce? What did you learn about yourself during this time? How have you changed?
If Your Partner Died...
How old were you when you became a widow or widower? As you write this, how long has it been since then? How long had you been together? Tell the circumstances of the death. What do you remember of that immediate time? What do you remember thinking and feeling? What specifically helped you get through the first weeks? How did your family members handle this loss? How did your beliefs affect how you coped? What resources did you have for bearing your loss? Which feelings took you by surprise? What would you have liked others to have done at this time? What could you have done for yourself that would have made it more bearable? What offers of help do wish you had accepted? What were some of the unexpected acts or words that you appreciated? What advice helped you? What advice would you give someone during the first few months following a partner’s death? As life "appeared" to get back to normal, what was the hardest part? Tell about the stages of grieving as you experienced them. These days, when are the times you are filed with a sense of your partner? Which are the times you like to recall? What have you discovered about yourself through this journey? How have you changed?
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